(Note: there are clarifying annotations in this video)

I apologize for the quiet private chat voice audio and my incessant rolling that covers up the dialogue. I’ve provided a transcript at the bottom; I hope it helps you follow along with the conversation.

So I invaded yet another hacker (yes, yes, Tical, I know :P). This time he invited me to private chat with him, so I took this rare opportunity to try to get inside his head, see what his thought process is like when he brings hackery into the multiplayer game.

The answer? Absolutley no thought process whatsoever. His defenses are riddled with logical flaws and nonsequiturs on a grand scale, so much so that at times you can probably hear my words being jumbled by my brain’s state of outright confusion. God, every time he said “Exactly”, my mind was reeling, as I hope yours is too.

It’s a real shame, too, because most of my questions were unfortunately not nearly as incisive as they should have been, such as asking why he didn’t just hack himself all the soul items he needed for max level rather than farming invaders. Who needs the dragon head glitch at this point?


Me: Yo

SPK: Hello.

Me: Sup. How much HP did you have? By the way, I’m livestreaming right now. Sorry, just gotta tell you.

SPK: Oh… livestreaming. Uh, around 9999.

Me: What!? So… mods, right?

SPK: Basically.

Me: Aw, man, why’d you do that? Come on…

SPK: I’m doing it because of PVE reasons, and to [help]. People randomly invade my game, and I’m forced to fight them.

Me: Well, if you’re waiting in human form in the forest, that’s totally gonna happen. I mean, the forest is a hotspot.

SPK: [people] message me to help them.

Me: Yeah, I mean… so, kill Sif.

SPK: I’ve gotta be human to summon people.

Me: Yeah, but people want YOU to help THEM? So YOU would put your white soapstone down, and they would summon YOU. Not you summon them, right?

SPK: Well, I want the souls, so I can get more humanities, level up, etc..

Me: Yeah, so if you put your white soapstone down, you get a portion of the souls from killing a boss, and a humanity.

SPK: Exactly.

Me: But you’re doing it backwards.

SPK: I’m trying to get to the highest… game plus, whatever.

Me: Okay, why don’t you just use the dragon head glitch or something, rather than interfering pretty badly with multiplayer of regular people?

SPK: I kind of don’t know how to do that.

Me: Very easy. Go to Youtube, punch in Dark Souls dragon head glitch. Five seconds, you’ll be up and running. You’ll get infinite souls, infinite humanity, you’ll be totally set, and it won’t mess with our games. We’re just looking for a fair fight, you know?

SPK: Yeah, well, I don’t know. I’m just trying to get through [something].

Me: I don’t know. It’s not really cool to go into competitive multiplayer… well, anyway… I’m just trying to… I don’t know why people hack, so I just had to ask.

SPK: Well, me, on the other hand, I don’t do it just for hacking PEOPLE or all that shit. I just do it for fun.

Me: Yeah, but it’s not fun for us.

SPK: Well, I tend to stay away from PvP. I don’t try to bring it to you guys. You guys invade MY world, see. If you guys are invading MY world, MY territory, I’m going to whoop your ass.

Me: But using cheats? Like, cheating? You have to cheat to do that?

SPK: If someone’s going to chain backstab me around 3 times–

Me: There’s ways to avoid chain backstabs.

SPK: Exactly.

Me: But WITHOUT hacking.

SPK: Exactly.

Me: So why don’t you… learn those?

SPK: To avoid the situation of going through the same process over and over again, I created… I DEHEXED this whole game, made my own save editor, so everyone can use it online–

Me: You’re a comp-sci student or something? You know programming?

SPK: Yeah.

Me: So you dehexed the game? You disassembled it?

SPK: Yeah, basically.

Me: So… wait, hold on, so if you disassembled it, what does the pendant do?

SPK: I really won’t want to go through all this, since you’re on a live stream, and I’m not doing the [something]

Me: But I really wanna– [DISCONNECTED]

— www.twitch.tv/knutaf/b/326307000&utm_campaign=archive_export&utm_source=knutaf&utm_medium=youtube