N.B. This is a parody. If it comes off too snarky, well I really do like
AWS. 😉

AWS just announced Amazon H3 (the Highly Hospitable Hotel), available now in
us-east-1 and coming years later to the region you actually use. They’re
leveraging all the infrastructure they have built for their data centres to
create a new style of ‘pay as you go’ hotel. Here are some of the features
and pricing schemes available at launch:

  • Rooms are ‘virtualized’, with one large room split into many by flimsy
    cubicle dividers for multiple occupancy. Hopefully you don’t get “noisy
  • Beds use a simple pay-as-you-sleep model with hourly charges. There are
    several models, from the b1.nano (suitable for small bed-loads like
    children) to the b1.2xlarge (probably only suitable for the poly-amorous).
  • Your internet connection speed depends on the size of bed you select.
  • Make sure you don’t leave your bag on your bed whilst you’re out—it
    counts as use and you’ll accrue a massive charge that you don’t realize until
    the end of the month!
  • To save money on beds you might want to try the Reserved Beds program, where
    if you successfully navigate a Byzantine pricing structure you can save up to
    48%, assuming you check in every day for three years.
  • You could also try the Spot Beds program, however this can result in your
    being woken up and thrown out during the night because someone else bid a few
    cents more than you.
  • Showers are pay per pico-litre-second. It’s a different API call entirely to
    get hot water so make sure you know what you’re doing before you step in.
    Soap is not provided but available from partners on the AWS marketplace.
  • Each hotel is divided into multiple ‘availability zones’. To guarantee you
    have somewhere to stay whatever the weather, it’s recommended you check into
    more than one.
  • Everything is API-first, with a web console built on top. Some features are
    only exposed via the API at current, so you will have to use the CLI to e.g.
    order breakfast.
  • The room list is heavily paginated so finding which room the kids are checked
    into can take a lot of clicking on the console, and you’re better off using
    third party tools or writing your own.
  • The same AWS support desk is used, so if you want to actually talk to someone
    about your stay be prepared to pay for it. ‘Developer’ level support here is
    probably not very useful because they only respond in 12-24 hours by email,
    by which time you’ve probably checked out and gone to Holiday Inn.
  • There is a gym but it’s still in beta so you’ll need to schmooze support and
    sign 3 NDA’s to get access. Also I am not allowed to write that it even
    exists, but you can find a forum post that implies that it might.
  • Luggage storage is similar to S3 so it’s highly durable, but be sure not to
    accidentally send it to ‘Glacier’ as defrosting takes some time.
  • There is no wake up call service, but you have the tools to construct your
    own with Cloudwatch, SNS, Lambda, IoT, etc. So flexible!
  • All data is stored in DynamoDB. Since it’s eventually consistent, at the
    restaurant you’ll want to wait a few seconds before asking the waiter to
    read your order back to you. Also you might get throttled when attempting to
    order a popular item from the menu.
  • There are no windows at current which seems like a basic feature to me. I’d
    expect it to be released soon but the official word is that no timeline can
    be promised.

Thanks for reading! Hope you had a laugh. 😜



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